We are being set up. Well, those of us who shop and eat the conventional American diet.

It’s our own fault, of course. Every single day, there are articles online and in print, and television and radio shows exposing the horrific crimes of “phude” companies, who know that they can add sodium or corn syrup to just about anything, slap on a wrapper, and sell it to us anywhere from gas stations to drug stores to supermarkets to schools. Where does it end?

Funny you should ask. For ex-Governor Argeo “Paul” Cellucci, it ends with a case of ALS, in which his body will rapidly decay, with numbness and weakness leading to inability to swallow and eventually breathe. For others it will be breast cancer, or a heart attack, or perhaps a case of flesh-eating bacteria. Gross, but there is a silver lining.

The silver lining is this—through all of these conditions, and don’t forget mad cow disease, the cruelist of all, overpopulation will be cured, and survival of the fittest, will enter a new chapter. People who live more simply, and eat more naturally, will live, and those who cannot say no to a new kind of snack, at all hours of the night, will go slowly into their goodnight, a tragedy at home and a victory for those that take profits.

Repent. Become a vegan, learn to cook, eat less, take a yoga class, and you will find it’s not nearly as boring or painful as you imagined. In fact, it may open up a new life for you. And if not, well, at least a new lease on life anyway.